stephi fundamentalism: The St. Patrick's Day Survival Guide

June 2012 will mark my three year anniversary stepping into the blogging world. One of the first people I met virtually was Christopher Schmidt a.k.a. Vodka Guy. Christopher is the National Vodka Examiner for Examiner.com, he is based out of San Diego, California. From day one I liked Christopher?s style, wit and writing savvy. Christopher and I have a bi-coastal ?t?te-?-t?te?going on. We always seem to look out for each other with regard to content, product, contacts and overall support of each others website. I contacted Vodka-Guy about being a guest contributor on South Florida Food and Wine and without hesitation he was right there for me complete with his quirky, tongue-in-cheek writing style. Vodka-Guy and I actually bonded our virtual blogging friendship over multiple bottles of Russian Standard Vodka, but I?ll let him tell that story in the next article; with perfect alcoholic timing, I introduce Vodka Guy as my Spirits Guest Contributor with his timely St. Patrick?s Day Survival Guide.

The St. Patrick?s Day Survival Guide is brought to you by the creators of the Vodka-Assisted Home Improvement Project, and while this article contains few (read no) true survival tips, the advice herein could help keep you out of jail.

In the United States, St. Patrick?s Day is as misunderstood, and misrepresented as Cinco de Mayo.? That we have reduced this important cultural and historic observance to yet another occasion where we see just how drunk we can get is either shameful or beautiful. The jury remains out.

If you are going to celebrate St. Patrick?s Day, and you are going to do so by getting drunk (how else, right?), some of the following could reduce your hangover and the damage you do, and may salvage a few of your personal relationships.

PERSPECTIVE

As far as an excuse to drink St. Patrick?s Day ranks up there with New Year?s Eve. March 17th is all about drinking, specifically heavy beer and whiskey.? If you are a regular Guinness, Harp, Jameson or Bushmills drinker, then you likely live in Ireland, and you don?t need our advice.? For everyone else, know that the 364 days you spend drinking Miller Lite and Chardonnay do nothing to prepare you for a night of snorkeling Black & Tans.? Irish ale, and indeed most foreign beer, contains more alcohol than we are used to. And sorry, wearing a green shirt, green socks, and that stupid hat does not miraculously increase your tolerance.? More, Irish Whiskey contains vindictive little demons that make you loud and forgetful, and should not be consumed by amateurs, that is, everyone intentionally celebrating St. Patrick?s Day at Bennigan?s.

PACING

For proper observance of this delightful day you are not required to fire-hose alcohol into your body.? This will also come as a surprise, Irish beer is outstanding, provided you take the time to taste and enjoy it.

Every Irish pub that is worth visiting, i.e., those that do not resemble a T.G.I. Friday?s, will have a fine selection of extraordinary beer.

Order a Smithwick?s, or a Curim, admire the novel curvature of the unfamiliar glass. (Resist the urge to?steal the interesting beer glass.)?Casually (I know) enjoy the taste and texture and appreciate, or at least try to accept how taking your time, and sipping from an authentic vessel enhances the overall experience.? Yes, you will be far less drunk at 4pm than those guys next to you doing ?Irish Car Bombs,? but you stand a better chance of retaining, and not being ashamed of the memories you create.

Irish Car Bombs

3/4 pint?Guinness? stout
1/2 shot?Bailey?s? Irish cream
1/2 shot?Jameson? Irish whiskey

Add the Bailey?s and Jameson to a shot glass, layering the Bailey?s on the bottom. Pour the Guinness into a pint glass or beer mug 3/4 of the way full and let settle. Drop the shot glass into the Guinness and chug. If you don?t drink it fast enough it will curdle and increasingly taste worse

PERSEVERANCE??????????

Everyone around you is already, or is well on their way to being drunk.? The temptation to join the delirious ranks (see Car Bomb guys), is nigh-on irresistible.? If you possess an uncommon desire to remember your St. Patrick?s night out, or perhaps if you forgot to ask for Monday off work, maybe try getting a little less drunk this year.

Did we lose you?? If you are still reading and perhaps entertaining a modicum of responsible behavior, see if this helps:

Don?t resort to that trick of getting drunk at home before going out. Yes, the idea is you will spend less once you hit the bars, but all you really accomplish is a rapid onset of irrationality. Trust me, the Car Bomb crew didn?t show up sober either, and the only thing slowing them down is an inconvenient oxygen dependence.
Limit your intake.? While still able to do so, try to weigh the pros and cons of overindulgence.? We?ll get you started, there are no pros.
Gravitate toward crowded venues.? Fortunately, on St. Patrick?s Day your town should be full of such places.? Busy bars equal busy bartenders, and it is harder to overdo it when you can?t get a drink.? What you lose in terms of volume drinking, you will make up in a wealth of people watching.

Without much hope of success (our Super Bowl survival guide was so poorly received it had to be taken down), we offer the preceding as something upon which to ruminate, and perhaps attempt on a day less conducive to drinking.? If you find yourself incapacitated on this or any subsequent March 18th, do not despair, you will not be alone.? If you had any memory of it at all, you would recall a night filled with some several thousand fellow, temporary Irish-folk, singing, sweating, swearing and spilling. While unnerving, the recollection would help explain why you currently feel and smell the way you do.